There are so many times in life big lessons come about. It is good. You grow and become a better person through them, but it is hard.
My wonderful Dear Husband (DH) has joined the police academy, a scary prospect for me, I have had a very bad experience with a police officer in my past (and no I was not arrested :) ). My best friend growing up. Her dad was a very bad man and a police officer. Well, since Mike decided to join I have had to deal with that whole situation and more importantly trust that God would take care of my man and keep him safe. After much discussion I decided that he really wants to do this, he is miserable where he is at, I need to trust my DH. I do not ever want to be the wife that would not "allow" her DH to fulfill his dreams. What kind of bitterness and resentment would build up in his heart for me, I do not want to imagine.
It has been about 3 months now and it has been a tough road. He as been working so very hard but that kind of stress can take its toll on a marriage. He is a little more cranky and I, who have been very use to having him all to myself, am learning to share him with the academy and soon the whole city. Needless to say we have had more than one "bump". This last one was a duzey, I don't even remember what it was all about originally but i told, I am very ashamed to say, that "Our Marriage Sucked," you should have seen the hurt in his eyes. It was devastating. I immediately regretted it. It does not "suck" far from it. I can get sooo emotional that there is no telling what will fly out of my mouth. I spent the next 2 or 3 days apologizing and crying over it and feeling awful.
Every time I brought it up he would forgive me but eventually he got tired of me bringing it up, it was making him relive the moment. I needed to forgive myself. I needed the forgiveness of God, which I already had I just needed to allow myself to see it. The next day I wrote him a letter telling him all the reasons that I loved him which I think really did encourage him but my heart still was so very sad. I really thought it was unforgivable. That 3rd day I got a lot of advice from my sister, who is an angel sent to me from God to help me get through this life, telling me to pray and give it up to God and then to start encouraging the socks off of my DH. I also spoke with another friend that is also in the Police Academy and she helps me see what my DH is going through from a woman's perspective. That night the floodgates opened. I haven't prayed that hard and that real in a very long time. Crying out to not lose my DH, to be able to encourage him, to be able to change my heart for God, and for the needs of people I know and love.
Lets put it this way...DH and I had a GREAT weekend. We talked, we played games we just had fun together. I didn't nag him "too much" about how he was feeling, that prayer helped me let go.It wasn't a bumpless weekend but it was "perfect" for us. I know I have a lot of work to do but here goes. I want to be a changed person.
I found something on another blog called the "30-Day Husband Encouragement Challenge for Wives" By Nancy Leigh DeMos and I have set my heart on doing it. It is day seven today and it is going GREAT...the scriptures today are...
"Do not overwork to be rich; because of your own understanding, cease!...for riches
certainly make themselves wings..." Prov. 23:4-5
"That I may cause those who love me to inherit wealth, that I may fill their treasuries."
For the Next 23 days now I will be nothing but encouraging and positive. No matter how I am feeling. I will eventually be able to discuss all the feelings again but by the time I do I will be able to think more positively as a whole, this is forcing me to see the positive in my DH on a daily basis. For Today, basically I am not going to criticize him on $$ issues. Which is funny because I will be working on the budget tonight. Pray for me to be encouraging and loving to him. Isn't it amazing how God works...
I hope all this make sense and I look forward to sharing more as each day goes by...
If anyone wants a copy of this I will be uploading it to my blog soon.